


Exponential

by Leyenn



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Coming Out, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leyenn/pseuds/Leyenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coming out is an ongoing process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exponential

**_two days_ **

"Michael, I-"

But he stops. There's nothing he can say that will make this simpler, calmer, and nothing that will make it feel less of a betrayal. Not only of his friend's pretty damn public feelings and his trust, but of what they're trying to do, here. The stupid liberties he - _they_ 've been taking seem so unreal, like he can remember it all but can't believe it. Like a dream turned into a nightmare.

It doesn't make it easier that it's already out, now. Somehow it makes it worse. Because they had so much time and they never -

They _never -_     

And he wants to either throw up or punch something - punch _himself_ , damn it - because he feels so much damned _sympathy_ , and he knows just from the cold look on Michael's face that's the last thing Michael wants. Especially from him.

And Michael's sitting there with the gun and he thinks if Michael would just shoot him it would all hurt less.

 

**_two weeks_ **

He finds out during his yearly moment of being civil to Mollari, of all the times. At a bar on the Zocalo, and the Captain sits down at the food court across the walk. It takes a moment for him to recognise the other occupants of the table Sheridan chooses, but not his method of greeting them, which is rather obvious for a preening male whatever the race.

"Didn't you know?" Mollari tips his head, relieving him of any doubt of what he's seeing. He shakes his own head, pleasantly amused with the day - not only has he pried a free drink out of Mollari, but it turns out he has more in common with Captain Sheridan than he ever imagined.

"I consider it greatly unfair," Mollari is already saying, and gesturing with his personal expensive glassware filled to spilling with expensive brivari all the while, "that a Human somehow has such tremendous luck with such an ancient and noble Centauri custom."

G'Kar raises his own glass, which does not contain brivari, to his lips, and if they perhaps curve into a smile at the thought of Mariel Mollari, well, who is to know, after all. "It's not Sheridan's fault your own custom has so sorely 'screwed you over', I believe is the Human term."

"The man has no decency." Mollari gulps down a mouthful of alcohol with the focus of someone intent on becoming falling down drunk sometime in the immediate future. "Over ten years, I have been associating with these Humans, and not once have I seen such flagrant _abuse_ of Centauri tradition."

"He does seem to be enjoying himself rather, doesn't he." G'Kar smirks, more at Mollari's irritation than the Captain's good fortune, although he can't help but consider - and oh yes, envy - the man's position. As it were. "Miss Winters is a fine woman," he murmurs, mostly to himself.

Londo snorts. "Hm. Perhaps to Narn sensibilities. I like my women with some fire in them, thank you."

"Then you envy him Commander Ivanova?" He keeps his tone sweetly mild. All the better to irritate Mollari with. Ah, that scowl is something to be enjoyed.

"I should lodge a complaint!" Mollari's glass seems to empty as if leaking. "Ah, but she would make a fine Centauri," he says, after a moment, and rather quietly. G'Kar chuckles.

"Females are truly the finest species in the galaxy." He raises his glass in a toast. "To abusing Centauri tradition at all opportunity." He drinks, and makes a private note to congratulate Sheridan personally at the next Advisory Council, just for the chance to watch Mollari's face.

**_two months_ **

He's walking through the main Anla'shok compound when her quick footsteps make him turn. He smiles, seeing who it is running to catch him up.

"Good morning, Alisa. Something I can do for you?"

She smiles at him. "Yeah, please. Read this." She pushes a thin sheet of what passes for paper on Minbar into his hand. "Tell me it actually says what I think it says, 'cause I don't quite believe it yet."

The text is obviously a print from a data burst, a page long. He steps to one side of the wide corridor and sits down on a bench to read.

_Alisa,_ it starts.

_I need to apologise for taking so long to write after your last letter. Talia keeps badgering me to find the time, but - well, things have been a little crazy. Well, crazier than usual. I can't talk about that, even on this encryption. It'd probably bore you too much, anyway. It bores me most days. That or it scares the living hell out of me, one or the other._

_So, aside from the galaxy-shattering craziness and the usual reports from Narn, it's been pretty quiet around here lately. It won't last now that I've said that, of course._

_Anyway, yeah, pretty quiet out here in space right now. Nothing like the excitement you've been having. Talia told you we went to Fresh Aire to celebrate? I guess you'll have finished up your first month's official training by now. I hope they're treating you okay and make sure you tell that Jeff I'll kick his ass if he's not._

_We're proud of you._ I'm _proud of you. It's one of those things my - well, it's something I should say, with all the craziness - anyway, you've got enough to think about already, let's save that until we can talk properly._

_I guess Talia probably told you about John, too. She might have told me to tell you something about him. I'm sure you don't care and in fact trust my -_ our _tastes implicitly, but I imagine she'll read this to make sure I put in_ something _._

_Well, don't think you're going to get all the sordid details you'd like, young woman. I was sixteen once. All I'm going to tell you is that I've known him a long time. I trust him with my life. I used to think he was the closest thing I still had to a brother, but, well, you can see where that's ended up. Anything you want to know about John you can look up in his record, he's public enough. And yes, of course you can always ask, just don't imagine you'll get answers._

_He's a good man. Talia deserves that. I know I'm not going to get any argument from you on that much, anyway._

_Craziness calls. Show me this letter again one day and I might tell you about it._

_Take care of yourself, okay?_

_x_

_Susan_

Jeff finds himself smiling.

 

**_two years_ **

It was Susan's idea. Even standing at the door, he's not sure it's the right one. He's not sure he has the right, or the words, to walk into this guy's life and tell him all the things that are there in his head to be told.

He knocks, anyway. A moment later there's a twitch at the window, and then the door opens.

He smiles and hopes it looks at ease and not like the serial psychopath he's seen reflected in more than a few eyes since he reached the surface. Not for the first time, he's already wishing he could be back up there with the fleet, not here on solid ground again. He's surprised to realise he doesn't miss it all that much, any more.

"John. John Sheridan." The man in the doorway looks as surprised to see him as he is to be here. He wonders if it's gratitude or suspicion behind that just-so-slightly halting welcome. "Well, I never expected this."

"Hi, Theo." He glances back into the wide hallway. "I haven't got long to stick around. Mind if I come in?"

The guy blinks. "Uh, sure. Mary's out back, if you've time for coffee?"

He checks his link and almost stumbles over an impressive Narn figurine in the hallway, because he's not looking where he's going and his mind's not on the moment, or maybe that's exactly where it is.

"Real coffee?" He chuckles. "That would be great, thanks. It's been-" He stops himself. There are other things to say first.

So he waits until Theo's gone out back, and Mary's come to greet him with a genuine smile and a hug that makes him feel even worse about all this, and then waits some more while she makes real, black, Proxima coffee in an elegant ethnic mug, and waits while she gives him another hug before she leaves on whatever errand she mentions in the excuse he doesn't really hear, and waits while they talk about Liz and Danny, while Theo brings him loosely up to speed on things that have been going on, things he should pay attention to and things he doesn't, both.

Finally he takes a breath and squares himself for this, and even though it's damned hard, he refuses to not look his ex-brother-in-law in the eye when he says, awkward moments crowding around him like smoke he can't clear, "Theo, it's about Anna."

Theo Keller stops. John wants to crawl into the coffee mug and stay there.

"You've found someone else," Theo says, slowly. He nods.

"There's a little more to it than that."

"We've been watching ISN-"

"It's not Delenn," he says, quickly. They've all seen the broadcasts like anyone else. "She's a good friend. I couldn't have done any of this without her. I care about her a great deal, but we're not- it's not her I'm in love with."

Theo sits back into his couch. "So, who is it?"

"I need to tell you something else first."

He isn't sure how the words come out. He doesn't hear them. All he can see is Theo's face, the haunted pain in his eyes, as he relates it all.

When he's done, the silence lasts forever.

It's Theo's voice that breaks it, in the end. "So - Anna..."

"She's gone." He's somehow close to tears and if Theo were to let his own fall he knows, he'd be right behind. "I'm sorry, Theo. I thought-" not true, it was Susan who thought of it, but he can't say that now, not _now_ \- "I thought you should hear it from someone who..."

Theo clears his throat sharply. "Yeah. Thanks. I - well, I appreciate it." He pauses; John lets the silence sit, uncomfortably, until Theo finally sighs. "Oh, hell, John. It's not like you knew, right? Tell me you didn't know she was-"

"I had no idea." He feels cold again just thinking about it. "I swear, if I'd known - you know how much I loved her -"

"As much as she loved you," Theo says, in a tone that closes the conversation if not painlessly then at least on a less aching note. "I remember your wedding day better than mine, I think. I hope this new woman of yours makes you as happy."

It's not the first time someone's mentioned the idea - most times, even less obliquely than that, but there's no mistaking the tone in Theo's voice. Whoever's finally gotten him over Anna had better be good and it better be serious, or he's about to get his ass kicked in ways Clarke can only dream of attempting.

So he thinks about them. Most often they sneak into his thoughts naturally, like breathing, but this time he does it deliberately; imagining the sound of Susan's laugh and the way it makes Talia's eyes sparkle when she smiles.

"Like I said, there's a little more to it than that." He holds up his hand. For all the time they've been together, he's rarely actually sat and discussed it with anyone, and he realises he could definitely do with some practice. He laughs. "I just don't know where to start."

"What's her name?"

"Talia and Susan."

Theo blinks. "Which?"

He chuckles. It's the most up front reaction he's ever had, at least. "Both."

That takes him a while to explain. Theo asks the usual questions - where did they meet, what do they do, what do they look like? - and the ones that make him want to sink into the coffee mug laughing, like which of them did he choose first and who's the most attractive and just how crazy is he, anyway, thinking something like that is actually going to work out?

He tells Theo as much as he can, in unpractised words with just the honest truth as a pretty useless guide. He didn't know he'd fallen for either of them until it all happened at once; Talia's beautiful and Susan's gorgeous and that's just the point, he doesn't have to choose; yes, he's crazy, utterly crazy, but it's worked out so far and there can't be much the universe has left to throw at them now.

His link sounds as Mary reappears; she berates Theo for not offering him more coffee, knowing the kind of supplies he must be living on, and he smiles and accepts another mug, figures it's worth spending the time even if he should be back by now. Maybe he can pilfer some of the good coffee to take back to the fleet. Or at least to Susan.

He waits until they're out of the room to answer the link, and turns away to the nearest wall just for good measure. "Sheridan, go."

" _*How did it go?*_ "

He chuckles. He figured Susan wouldn't be able to wait too long before checking up on him. "Well, I'm still here."

" _*I noticed.*_ " The edge of gentle abuse in her voice makes him smile.

"I'll be back soon."

" _*Sooner than you think,*_ " she says, and there's a knock at the door that makes him laugh. He can't wait to introduce Susan to Theo.

**_two more years, and two more after that_ **

It's impossible for this charming little girl to look like her mother, of course, and Delenn is perfectly aware that the genetic splicing was very specific. The child is Narn in every way, with the small exception granted by Susan's generosity.

It's early summer on her homeworld, and the sun is shining. She kneels at the side of the play pit and smoothes her robe under her knees. There are small, bright crystal bricks catching the sunlight, scattered around the sand; imported itself all the way from the closest colony at Tdok to make things more familiar to a child's mind. The girl seems not to even have noticed, far too engrossed in building what appears to be a small temple of some kind. Delenn remembers that crystal is a rare thing on Narn, but the fascination is endearing all the same.

"Hello, Genara."

The child looks up, attentive enough that for a moment Delenn is lost for words in those happy eyes. "Hello," she manages in credible English. "Who're you," comes out a little less clear, but no less intelligible with curiosity plain on her face.

She takes up a brick half-buried in the sand and carefully dusts it. "My name is Delenn," she says in Narnish. It's one of the few phrases she ever managed to perfect, to her old teacher's eternal dismay, but perhaps it will help the child feel at home. "I'm afraid I don't speak much of your language," she adds apologetically, because there's a look in Genara's expressive eyes that latches onto the sound of her mother tongue in utter delight. "I've come to take you inside for dinner," she says. "That's a lovely model you've built. Are you hungry?"

"Earth food?" Apparently delight _is_ a 'default setting', as John put it. "Mother doesn't like Earth food, but Mama Susan said maybe if I was very good and I been very good. Lovely model I built," she says, slowly, and Delenn laughs softly at the imitation of her own accent on the words.

"Yes, it is. And I think I may have heard Susan mention something about... ice cream?"

Genara giggles, so like David that Delenn smiles. The child is as captivating as John said, and despite genetics quite obviously as bright as her mother, as well.

"For ice cream, I am hungry," she says. She looks at the brick Delenn's holding. Delenn holds it out to her and watches as it goes delicately into place at the top of the temple door with a little chubby-fingered push and an innocent, "do you live with Mama Susan too?"

"Yes, I do." As precocious as her mother, too, this one, but there's nothing except curiosity in her voice. Delenn stands, and Susan's daughter squints up at her in the evening sun.

"Does Mama Susan love you, too?"

She smiles. "I hope so."

"Do you sleep with Mama Susan and John and-"

"I think that's quite enough questions," she cuts in quickly, surprised to be grateful at least once in her life for having faced the Earth press and lived to remember the technique.

Genara giggles as she scrambles up out of the sand. "You must have a very big bed," she says, with such Susan-like innocence on her dusty face that Delenn gives in and laughs.

"Yes. Now come along inside and don't tell your Mama you've been asking such things."

           

**

 


End file.
